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Not our Bailey... but we like him anyway!

Top 10 Reasons to Breed Dogs

10. Thought the house was too orderly
9. Never did like having a full nights sleep
8. Wanted my Vet to get a new BMW
7. Thought the furniture looked too nice
6. Love the sounds of puppies in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, midnight, pre-dawn, etc.
5. Garden and backyard needed renovations, and didn't want to pay a gardener.
4. Neighbors didn't complain enough
3. Kids weren't enough of a challenge
2. If you can train and show one dog, why not ten?
1. Wanted to see if spouse really meant those vows


Puppy sign


Where is Heaven?

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was just enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that his dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while they came to a high white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate between the arches that looked like mother of pearl, and that the street that led beyond the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is heaven, sir,” the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

“Can my dog come in too?” the traveler asked.

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, the man came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me” he called to the reader, “Do you have any water?”

“Yes, there’s a pump right over there.” The man pointed to a place that couldn’t be seen from outside the gate. “Come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” the traveler gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them. “What do you call this place?” he asked.

“This is heaven,” was the answer.

“Well, that’s confusing,” he said, “the man down the road said that was heaven too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the street of gold and the pearly gates? That’s hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No. I can see how you might think so, but we’re just happy that they screen out the people who would leave their dogs behind.”

 


Dog Show Terms Explained

Angulation: Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.
Balance: (a)How to arrange the checkbook so your husband won’t know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked; (b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.
Bitch: (a) Name for a lady dog; (b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.
Blind Retrieve: When you can’t see the toy under the furniture.
CGC-Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe {aka GAS}
Coat: The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.
Crabbing: What you do when the judge doesn’t like way your dog moves.
Dam: (a) lady dog with children; (b) expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.
Distemper: Shown by those hot-headed competitors.
Dog: To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.
Double Bind: Finding two toys under the furniture.
Elbow: Method of getting to ringside when late.
Expression: ”Sweet” look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.
Fancier: Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.
Feathering: What winners are accused of doing to judges’nests.
FlyBall-Neutering.
Force Fetch: Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet until you’re forced to “fetch” it.
Front: Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.
Guard Hair: An activity in which one watches intently as the dog’s hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.
Heel: (a) what you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice; (b) expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.
Height, as in “Maximum Allowed”: a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.
Hock: A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.
Mask: What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.
Multi-Generational Pedigree: Something you should have read first.
Muzzle: What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.
Noseprints: Cute marks left all over your French doors.
Outcrossing: What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.
Overshot: Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.
Pedigree: Dog food with lots of great coupons.
Points: Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.
Puppies: Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)
Qualifying Score: Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.
Ribbons: What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their pet wins.
Specialty: Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.
Type: What your dog has... if you turn down the lights and squint a little.
Utility: The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.


Shenanigans of Doxy

From Dakota Shopper
August 10, 2006-August 23, 2006
"Comments by Gen Brim"

Picture of Doxy and her owner, Gen

I mentioned in the last column that I would keep you posted on the shenanigans of my Wire Fox Terrier, Doxy. She is a non-stop bundle of energy and is always into something. When we take our morning walks, nothing gets by her without being thorougly investigated. This includes all rocks and stones, twigs and branches, pine cones, bits of paper, ants and other moving bugs, chokecherries, lawn watering spigots, sump pump hoses, leaves, crab apples, pop cans, weeds and flowers. Sometimes we get lucky and meet other walkers with dogs!!!! Bo-oh-boy-oh-boy!!!!

Doxy always picks the most manicured lawns to leave her calling card. I was reminded of a book I read that was written by a dog, in which the dog said, “I live with the strangest human... she always brings a bag on our walks and saves my doo-doo.” Doxy is quick as lightning and one day when I opened the refrigerator, she jumped inside! I happened to have my camera handy and the picture below shows Doxy next to a thawing plump chicken that was a gift from my friend Doris of St. Thomas. (Sorry Doris). I’ll be reporting more shenanignas of Doxy.

Doxy in the fridgeDoxy in the frige “just coolin."


DANGER - Beware of Dog!

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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Dog Quotes

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx

"There's not much you can do with a terrier, ma'am."
— Los Angeles dog trainer

"Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend."
--Corey Ford, American writer

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-- Andy Rooney

"If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one."
— Andy Rooney

My little dog - a heartbeat at my feet.
— Edith Wharton

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive."
— Gilda Radner

"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
— Elizabeth Taylor

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
— Ben Williams